Tuesday, May 26, 2009
i am sick.
i went to school. it was supposed to be arts fest today and i was quite excited! argh. then i went home.
yesterday was the opening of the photo competition at national geographic store@ vivo city. it was quite fun actually, but super tiring. i stood from 10 to 8 plus! minus the lunch breaks. helped to hang up the photos in the morn (took us one plus hours just to do that) and the frames were rather heavy. i was quite tired after that. no make that extremely i was practically dying by nighttime. lunch at marches. we were supposed to eat "budget food" but halfway through our quest to search for our budget food xiaochun went, "i feel like eating rosti." and it got stuck in my head too. met shufang and jiahui after that to just chill and hangout. jiahuis going fass!!! yay.
anyway.
i am really not going to carnegie mellon. this dreaded thought have really become a reality. a tiny part of me still wish that my family might strike lottery or something. and sometimes, i resent the fact that my family issnt well off enough to send me overseas, to do what i always wanted to do - a double major in art and psychology. it issnt a pretty thought, and i know i can only blame myself for screwing up my As so badly.
some might say that i should be contented with a teaching award. but seriously i dont want to do a bfa at ntu. for those of you who think studying art locally and overseas is the same, lets just say that the type of art offered here issnt what i want to do. i see myself doing printmaking, mixed media installations, paintings, not animation, game design or visual communications. its like asking a bioengineering major to do electrical engineering and going, "all the same what. its all engineering."
ive gotten over that madness.
the mindless mailbox checking, email checking nonsense.
but its gonna take a while to get over the fact that i am staying here.
sighh. some ppl have no idea what they want to study. they have no idea what they want to do with their lives. so they go for the most prestigious courses, or the degrees that will allow them a stable job.
lucky them.
the problem is i know exactly what i want to do with my life, and because of that, the disappointment is so much greater when you cant do what you intended to do initially. i think my whole life thus far has been shaped by one word - passion. passion is misleading, and passion is something that issnt going to take me far. there are so many choices that i have made that are simply not practical. taking art is one, choosing to do arts in jc when i can very well do sciences is another. i know that i dont regret my choices, but maybe from now on, pragmatism should be of higher importance in my life =)
passion is fluff.
lets just say that i grew up.
so i have hereby come to the conclusion that i am not meant to do art.
neither am i meant to teach.
because everything happens for a reason. =)
right now, i can only live with the knowledge that i was once considered good enough for the class of 2013 at carnegie mellon, one of the top psy and art programs in the world, or at goldsmiths, where many world reknown artists graduated and will graduate from, or at michigan or edinburgh for that matter.
so byebye cmu.
for now.
maybe i will try again, four years from now, to do my masters.
i am ending my internship this week! and it really was a wonderful experience.
am looking forward to the next two months of play!
gonna go for kentridge blueblood camp on the 4th of june (omg thats next week. i just realised)
plan to go for sports camp and union camp as well, and maybe windsurfing camp.
We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person. ~W. Somerset Maughamthis quote epitomizes what i am feeling right now. everything is so uncertain, and though i do love these times of meeting up with my friends, just chilling and doing random stuff, i am also afraid of what the future holds. we are all going to be meeting new people, making new friends, and soon we will have our new cliques to hang out with - people whom seem to understand us better. (of course they will they are practically living the same lives as us) i can feel myself changing already.
but i hope that whatever happens, however i change, for better or for worse, you will still love me for who i am. and i hope i will too =)
to nat koh: nus econs!!!! then we can go for sports camp and union camp and windsurfing camp and stay in kentridge or sheares or temasek hall together!
hui jun published at 5/26/2009 07:48:00 PM
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